1. Spend at least $1000 on your camera.
Let's face it, nothing says amateur more than that cheap-ass point and shoot you found at the local garage sale. Any self-respecting photographer will tell you that great pictures are not merely taken with a keen eye, they are taken with a camera that costs at least a thousand dollars. The reason that there are not more great photographers is that most people who are "into" photography do not have the commitment to spend a fortune on their cameras: "What? Spend a thousand dollars, in this economy? No thanks. I'd rather be a retard."

2. Take more pictures of your kids.
Now that you have your gazillion dollar camera, why not find a worthy subject? And what is more photogenic than the fruit of your loins? After all, you created them, why not take this opportunity to use them before they start to suck all your money and energy dry? Besides, your friends will love it when you show them the pictures. After all, your kids look like you. And in the end, isn't that what it's all about, YOU?

3. Use black and white film.
Before you start taking pictures, however, you have to remember the cardinal rule of photography, which is: black and white film will make you look like a professional. Sure, it makes everything drab and indistinct, but you're a guy and you're color-blind, so this is actually to your advantage. An added benefit is that your pictures will have that hint of inner conflict and irony that screams out the word art. And that's what girls want: guys with a hint of inner conflict and irony that screams out the word art.

4. Learn from the weasel. Sneak up on your prey.
When taking pictures, secrecy is of the utmost importance. As any professional photographer will tell you, posed pictures are passe. The key is the decisive moment, and nothing ruins a good picture more than a subject that looks at the camera. That deer in headlights look? That's not for you. A good photographer sneaks up on their subjects. This method allows you to capture things you didn't even think about taking pictures of, like cute little animals, couples arguing, and the backs of peoples' heads. The great truth that you must remember is that most people are ugly, and their best side is not really the side at all, but it's from behind.

5. Hang out with models.
Remember what I said in number four, that most people are ugly? Well, remember that, and start hanging out with the beautiful people, because nothing makes your life easier (and happier), than being in the company of a beautiful member of the opposite sex. I am talking strictly about photography of course. That being the only chance you'll ever have of conversing with someone so obviously out of your league. What could be more flattering to them (and you) than to capture their beauty for all the world to see? And the more beautiful the subject is, the easier it will be to take great photos. For some reason, there are certain people that even a nun who is legally blind can take sexy pictures of. You'll need them to build confidence in your photography. The beautiful people, not the nuns.

6. Be controversial.
Everyone remembers the milk mustache ads. Why? You know why. Because people want to see famous celebrities with gooey white substance around their lips. It worked for Robert Mapplethorpe and Georgia O'Keefe, and it will work for you. And it doesn't even have to be about sex, because frankly, there's too much of that going around anyway. You can be controversial without making people feel uncomfortable. Take toys for example. No one takes pictures of toys. You can be the first one.

7. Build a darkroom.
Once you take your pictures, you'll need a way to develop them. Nothing is truer to the root of photography than good darkroom skills. It will be your own chemistry set, like the ones you used to have as a kid, except now the chemicals will actually leech the life out of you. Don't get me wrong, this is actually a good thing. Like all things in art, nothing sells prints like a dying photographer, alone, in a dark room, full of combustible chemicals, surrounded by their art. Now that's living life on the edge, and it will show in your pictures.

8. Blow things up.
Face it, people like big things, and nothing impresses people more than a really really big print. It doesn't matter what it's a picture of, as long as it's really really REALLY big. In fact, the more commonplace the subject is, the better. For instance, the Campbell soup can never really received the attention it deserved until Andy Warhol made a big picture of it. Sometimes it takes little things like a big picture to get it into people's heads that they've been looking at a piece of art all along. What can I say? People are stupid that way.

9. Seek the approval of your friends.
If you take nothing from what I've said so far, at least remember this: your friends are your best...um...friends. Who else but your friends will tell you that the picture that no one will buy is in fact, the most amazing picture they've ever seen? Who will keep on praising your work when the rest of the world have already brushed you aside, before you even began? Who else sees the little inside-jokes you've put in to pictures that others see as cliche-ridden and grossly pedestrian? Your friends, that's who. Now go out and buy them a beer.

10. Create your own website.
Galleries are so, like, last millenium. This is the age of the www (that's the world wide web to those of you still living in the Dark Ages). There is nothing more prestigious than having a www.yourname.com in your CV. Take it from me, it will open doors for you. It can be a conversation starter, like, "don't talk to me, just check out my website." People will flock to it, like moths into the fire, and read crap that you've written and take it in as gospel. You will be the new messiah, the world will be your oyster, and other silly things like that...